2020... Lockdowns, Love and Plant Medicine.... Above all things Love 💚
This has been one hell of a year. My guess is that almost every single one of us have had the most bizarre year of our lives. The ups and downs have been pretty extreme. Some of you know I like to write and although I've had a few short pieces published I've never really shared anything publicly or on my social media pages but as it's New Year and it's a good time for reflection and making some changes I decided to write a little about my experience of 2020. For those of you who take a few minutes to read my words thank you, the most precious thing you can give to someone is your time.........
This time last year I was split down the middle. Half of me was incredibly happy, I had met Craig a couple of months previously and after an amazing Christmas with him and my family and friends I was blissfully in love. The other half of me was anxious and incredibly worried about my son. He was having a miserable time. So ill over Christmas (he's convinced now it was covid) , not enjoying his first year at secondary school (he hated it, like I can't even explained how awful it was for him trying to settle in) and his relationship with his Dad was causing him so much hurt and pain it was heart breaking to see.
Despite the emotional rollercoaster we got through the next couple of months taking it all one day at a time. That's all we could do given the circumstances and we looked forward to our trip to London for Finn's birthday in March........
Hello Covid 19, goodbye weekend in London. The first I heard of covid was a client telling me to stock up on dried food and milk. I thought she was nuts!! (You know who you are if you're reading this and you know I love ya) The next thing I knew the news was covid covid and more covid. The shops had little on the shelves and things began to feel eery and kinda like some dark netflix drama. As the words Global Pandemic and Lockdown swept the media I tried not to panick and find my calm. One day at a time.
I've never been one for watching much news (my mother has told me in the past I'm pig ignorant to what's going on in the world!) I find the news depressing and with modern technology and the amount of people I chat with on a weekly basis it's plenty of news without sitting through the mood hoover that is the evening news.
I did sit to watch the announcement Boris made back before the first Lockdown, I actually cried. I thought people were going to be dropping dead on the streets. Those feelings of fear for me were initial shock and confusion.
Lockdown..............At first I panicked about my income and keeping our home going, running a small business I felt so unsure of the future and that's when somebody threw some of their light onto my darkness and reminded me the world is full of amazing people and when we help one another we make differences. My shop Landlord took the pressure off me and when I received that phone call I went into its gonna be ok mode. I received beautiful messages from clients and when I closed the shutters on my shop in March not knowing when I'd be back I had a calm feeling and decided to try and make the most of the time.
Lockdown went by with many highs and lows. My son being off school was a blessing in disguise, he got to forget about the pressure of school for a few months and take some time out to just be himself and maybe heal a little bit from the hurt he was feeling around his Father. He emerged from Lockdown a punk (won't leave the house without the eye liner done) and belting out MCR and Green Day tunes. He's got an awesome voice and he makes me cry every time he performs.
Craig and I had to make some decisions around how we would handle our relationship and the restrictions in place and it would potentially be make or break for us. Thankfully it definitely made us. Our relationship went from strength to strength and I am so grateful to him for being exactly who he is.
For me personally Lockdown was weird. I discovered so much about myself. I realised how much my work means to me. Both doing hair and the relationships I have with my clients. I had days when I felt I had little purpose and so so low. I distracted myself with DIY and projects around the house. Craig and Finn would have got painted or reupholstered if they stayed still long enough!!
It was also nice to slow down and take a break from the everyday rat race of normal life.
I did the shopping for My Mum and kept my distance as she was shielding and so so scared. This for me has been one of the hardest parts of the whole thing. Knowing her fear and being able to do very little for her really. Not even hugging her because she is so afraid is brutal.
As time went on my feeling began to change alot. Towards everything. The world began to look very strange. As I read all sorts of stuff online about topics all over the world that we saw nothing of in the media I began to question everything. As this piece was never meant to be all about covid 19 and everything that came with it I'll move on but not without saying this..... As with everything in life we are all entitled to our feelings and opinions. How I feel about things or see things is personal to me and your feelings and opinions are personal to you. I accept and more importantly respect the feelings and fears of others around me.
July. Back to work. Madness. Those Lockdown roots were real. I went from wishing to be back at work to wishing for a day off!! If any of my awesome clients are reading this, seriously guys thank you a million times from the bottom of my heart.
My 40th birthday was approaching. I've said for a long time ' my life's beginning at 40 ' and as that time was literally weeks away it felt like I had been right. I was in a really good place. Happy at home, with Finn being so much happier in himself. Happy in my relationship. Happy at work. All was good. I was chatting with a friend on the phone one day and our conversation led me to do something incredible. I'm incredibly grateful to have had that conversation. After a little online hunting I had booked to go on a Plant Medicine retreat.
Craig threw a birthday celebration for me I'll never forget. Even with the restrictions in place he pulled off a beautiful evening for me with alot of the people I love in this world.
Little did I know when I arrived what I was really in for. I did some research online but nothing could have prepared me for the experience I was about to have. When I say this has changed my life I really mean it. So many people come to try plant medicine for so many reasons but the biggest reason is healing. People come from all walks of life and all sorts of backgrounds. The people I have met on this journey are by far the bravest strongest and most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
A friend asked me why I was doing it. Why would I go when I'm in such a good place in my life? It made me think. And I knew the answer was that for me it was the perfect time. I have had my battles in life and I was ready for recognise them and learn to let go. I was ready to heal and I wanted to quench the curiosity I had around plant medicine. To be honest the curiosity around plant medicine was exciting me so much I was almost forgetting about the hard parts. I had read how the medicine would take you into your subconscious mind, how it would show you all sorts of things about yourself. Bring you an awareness of things in your life you may have completely forgotten. It can also make you get sick (purge) alot. Most reports I had read talked of a devine feminine energy you would encounter and this intrigued me massively. Oh, and the medicine will give you what you need not what you want. Although I read alot about it I did try to go into the experience without expectations and just surrender to what would be. That was actually a really difficult part, to completely surrender to something takes trust. And when the medicine is showing you deep inside yourself you soon learn that although you're surrendering to the medicine you're just as importantly learning to completely trust yourself.
When you are given the medicine you must set an intention. At arrival I had a chat with one of the facilitators about my intentions. I explained how my father died suddenly when I was ten years old and I know the pain of that has been a huge driving force throughout my life. It has showed itself in many ways, as a teenager it was anger and wreckless behaviour, and alot of my young adult life was spent in a relationship that completely stripped me of My self worth.
I also babbled that I knew people came to do this for help with addiction and I was fighting a losing battle for a long time with being free of cigarettes. The response I got was 'you need to find out why you smoke'
I inwardly rolled my eyes thinking duh cause I'm addicted. Since then I've told the beautiful soul I had that conversation with what I was thinking. We had a good laugh about it.
She was right though. Not only did I find out why I smoked but I was able to completely let it go. I knew the exact moment my toxic relationship with cigarettes was over. The gratitude I have for this is unmeasurable.
I have had the honour of now trying a few different forms of plant medicine.
Any of you who know me know I'm an open book. So while I'm just mentioning things briefly this is only because I'm trying to keep this short and sweet. I'm always happy to discuss my experiences with anybody who wants to know more especially if it may help them in some way.
When I look back I started this healing journey several years ago when I found Reiki but I just wasn't ready to go so deep into my own shit. Now it's a totally different story and not only do I get something much deeper from my sessions I've been to recently I've also made the decision to bring it as a service I offer now too. Mostly because I found the self confidence to do it. Fear is the biggest killer of happiness and growth. (It's been 4 years since I did my level 2 Reiki) I want to share and help people, and by healing myself maybe begin to help others.
This year has taught me so many things. About life and beyond, and about Love.
We are conditioned from the first moment of our existence here. The best thing I ever did was question everything. I'm on this amazing journey and it's like being a new born baby with 40 years behind me! We begin life with no limitations, and beautiful childish innocent imaginations. Then life happens. Trauma we experience manifests in all sorts of ways. We carry stuff with us that isn't even ours. We are all living our lives and experiencing many similar things sharing one another's energy and yet we are so disconnected in modern society. This isn't how we are suppose to be.
We are all connected. We need to remember this. We all know it deep down but many of us have forgotten.
I've met some amazing people over the past year. I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones. Unfortunately there have been some disconnections too. This I have struggled with big time but it doesn't mean the love is gone. This journey has made me look deeply into myself. The good and the bad. The light and the dark.
I've learned that to love myself I have to love the dark parts just as much as the light. It's not about 'forgiving or accepting' it's just surrendering to all of myself and loving every part. Everything lies within ourselves. Facing things that hurt us isn't easy. Healing isn't sweetness and light it's hard work and at times painful and messy but it's definitely a journey I'm happy to be on. We are all a work in progress, ever changing, ever growing.
As I enter 2021 I'm bursting with love and gratitude. I've fallen deeply in love with Craig. If you're reading this Craig, thank you for every second we spend together. Thank you for your love and support. You're my best friend and I look forward to our lives together.
I have fallen in love with trees. Their strength and wisdom. The magic all around us is breathtaking. Thank you Pachamama and the team who guide me with love and kindness. ( And the fairies) Not only are my eyes open but my heart is too.
For my amazing, beautiful, talented, kind being of a son My heart overflows.
For all the amazing souls in My life, friends (old and new), family and clients, I appreciate and love you all. More than you can imagine.
And to all my retreat friends, thank you all for your courage and strength and for sharing. I'm in you and you're in me 💚
I'm not making a New Year 'resolution' this year. I'm going to continue growing, healing and most importantly I'm going to continue loving, and living from the heart. I was recently told to go out and live my life and enjoy it and that we've got to stop living a lifetime of yesterday's. I couldn't agree more. Yesterday is merely a memory. Tomorrow a concept.
There is only now and there is always love.
Above all things love.
Happy New Year 💚
Lots of love Bev x