Almost A Year
Honestly, I haven’t had time to even check the time this week. As the end of Lockdown approaches (fingers and toes crossed so tightly beginning to lose feeling) it kinda feels like a New Year type scenario. I hear a
lot of people talking about what they want to do when we get out, and it has definitely been a time to realise what’s important, but also simple things we take completely for granted.
We all get enjoyment from different things. Some people are busting to travel, some to get absolutely sloshed in the pub and have a big night out. There are also loads of people who are apprehensive about things and that’s ok too. I for one can not believe it has been a year since this madness began. It’s like we blink and another week, month, year, passes.
One thing I am looking forward to doing is going to Wagamama Dundonald with my son for dinner and heading to the cinema after it. A wee Mummy and son date is so high on my list. I bought my beautiful partner a voucher for a romantic get away to Ten Square in Belfast as a Christmas gift so that’s getting booked ASAP! There is one thing though I actually can not wait to do...... Hug my Mum. She is so afraid it would break your heart. She is due her second vaccination next week, (not getting onto the vaccine subject, mixed feelings) on my son’s thirteenth birthday. When she had had that and is ready I am going to hold her in my arms and probably cry. A lot. She has barely left her house since March 12th 2020. Being 82 and having a tracheotomy she is high risk and has shielded. I have been doing my best to make sure she has what she needs and doesn’t go mad with boredom or loneliness. On Sunday there she cried as she read her Mother’s Day cards and a poem I wrote for her. I had it made into a book with lots of photos. I wanted to hug her so badly but I don’t because she would feel afraid and that’s just as bad. My views in this global ‘pandemic’ are far from what we’re told on the media but I am not going to get into that either. Despite what I think or don’t believe I do believe whether it’s COVID or anything else we’ve got to live respectfully of those around us. I believe trying to love others as we love ourselves despite disagreements is the way to spread love in the world. We’re never going to change the world single handedly but we can live in love and hope. And spread that light and love.
I haven’t been to work since Christmas Eve, I’m really looking forward to getting back but I can’t lie, I’m wondering these days how I even have time to go to work! Lockdown last year I struggled mentally a lot with the situation, I felt a lack of purpose without my work and a lack of self. I felt like I was serving three meals a day and finding endless diy projects to keep sane. Initially I enjoyed a break from the rat race of every day routine, school runs and generally running like a headless chicken. As a single mum (and I mean one man band 24/7) running a business I was always busy. I had very mixed feelings.
Last year my relationship was still quite new and thankfully he didn’t run for the hills with my psychotic diy meltdowns. He proved to be a real keeper!
This time (lockdown) round how I feel inside is so different that nothing externally could have the same power over me now. Turning 40 I decided my life was beginning, I had been saying this for quite some time and when the time came round I did something for myself that changed everything.
Life is not a mystery to be solved but it is a mystery. Life is a beautiful contradiction.
Life is not to be spent chasing happiness. It is to be lived and happiness to be enjoyed.
What I’ve come to believe is that even in a time like we’re in now it’s how you’re feeling inside that really matters. I am an empath so I always have a sense of awareness of how others may be feeling and try to be sensitive to this especially on a subject like this. I’m not disregarding the horrendous experiences many people are having on the back of this ‘pandemic’ but I can only speak for myself and I am eternally grateful for this past year.
How I feel, what’s in my heart and every experience I have contributes to who I am today but nothing external ever will.
And to be totally honest again, I love me.
Oh and I wrote a poem recently when I was thinking to myself one day how it was hard to believe it was almost a year since it was began. So I hope you like it too.
Lots of Love, Bev x