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  • Writer's pictureBev Martin

Break Ups, Dating Again,Feeling the Fear and Falling in Love......

Bev Martin.

I’m trying really hard to stay focused and positive throughout Lockdown....... I’m writing and walking a lot!! How are you guys all keeping sane in there uncertain and crazy times???? I was having a chat a few days ago with a friend. We were talking about break ups and how they are all so different. Nine times out of ten they are really difficult. Sometimes so out of the blue the shock almost cripples, sometimes a long time coming but still leaves you swamped in sadness. No matter what shape or size the wound may be there’s no rules in the time or the complexity of the healing. When your heart has been broken it can feel like the scariest thing in the world to even consider falling in love again. When somebody you loved has played warped games with your heart or maybe even abused your body or/and your mind, falling in love again seems like an incredibly distant and crazy idea. If you’ve been cheated on you have probably wondered if you’ll ever trust another lover again. Let alone upgrade them to the title of partner. In modern society with thousands of dating options at the tip of our fingers it can be tempting to get swiping. We all know distraction is nine tenths of the law!!! Everyone telling you to get back on the saddle and get out on some dates, ‘it’ll do you the world of good’ You think, yeah I’m gonna do it. I’m ready. Swipe Swipe Swipe You must be ready, it seemed a good idea. Not a thing to do with the bottle of Prosecco with the girls. Bottle each! So you've put yourself out there to date so you must be ready! Right? Maybe, maybe not. When you watch your friend lose her mind screeching and crying in break up hell, (but it only seems to last five minutes) after a pretty traumatic break up, (there was soooooooo much crying and and stalking social media for those five minutes though) she easily moves onto the next relationship. This does not mean there is something wrong with you. As you cautiously tread the new territory like a soldier unsure where the borders of enemy lines lay. It's OK to take months or even years to date again, nevermind open your heart again. Healing from a break up is one thing, healing from a relationship is a whole other dimension. Our energy so intertwined with that of another. Take it all at your own pace and forget comparisons. Different relationships, different people, different journeys. When the time does feel right dating can actually be good fun. Meeting different characters, good, bad and downright mad. Take the pressure off and see a coffee date for what it is (a cup of coffee with a potetially beautiful stranger). That can really help stop the pointless jitters of first dates. For me the early days dates are the easiest parts of it all. Though like everything in this bizarre and beautiful human existence the fear can creep into all kinds of scenarios when it comes to dating and relationships today. Some people fear first dates, fear awkward silences or the awkward do you hug scenario. Cringe. We all have that friend who suddenly uses a different app to text you on because she is hiding from being seen online! Hiding from the guy she had a couple of dates with. The fear has crept in, fear of finding the right words, fear of the words having to leave their mouth but primarily the fear of hurting another soul. That part is unpleasant. The fear of rejection or misread successful date rating. The fear of the waiting for a call or a text that may never come. The fear of getting drunk and making questionable choices (we have all been there) or having to suffer more than you’d bargained for. I’ll tell you more about schnauzer guy another time. That was the last time I got talked into a drink on a first date! I left half way through a second drink. The something bad happened card had to be played! Coffee is much safer. Crushing the nerves with a drink is an easy mistake to make. Then there’s the fear of being attracted to a guy, who despite all your inner battles, you can't really help yourself. You can almost smell the feint aroma of emotionally unavailable. Sniff. Sniff. Almost? Who am I kidding, moths and light bulbs spring to mind. Can’t forget the big online one, the fear of being catfished. And last but not least being stood up! As my dating life evolved I found out my biggest fear was actually meeting one of the good ones. I had been single a long time. I was so used to dating and the lack of actual emotion it demanded of me. I had got comfortable in that zone. I was unfortunately almost fluent in the language of a**hole. At times I swore enough was enough, delete the apps, leave it to fate, get some cats, all reasoning influenced by daily mood changes, hormones and can i be arsedamometer (if only that was a real thing. I’d be advertising them for sure, use my code 10% off, link in the bio). There was a stage when I wanted to love again. Looking back I thought I was ready but the head and the heart were not alligned. I can see the patterns. Clearly. Picking the wrong guy almost on purpose. It was like there was a sabotage button that I had become magnetically charged to. I want to hug myself a little bit. Not believing in myself enough to keep all my power. Not even acknowledging my power. Allowing parts of myself to be less than adored. As much as I wanted to love again I wasn't quite ready to recieve love. As women we are often deep in discussion with friends about following our women's intuition. Trusting our gut feeling. There's always somebody that will insist that you MUST KNOW what your gut is telling you but don't panick, It's OK to be completely confused. When you're not yet ready to receive the love that you give of course confusion, fear and doubt play leading roles. So we've passed the excruciating pain, of a breakup. We're 'over it' and ready for love yet We're knee deep in gut feelings dressed up as fear and confusion. Fancy dress party from hell. As we get closer to being ready to love again, quite often we ask ourselves are we really ready to trust again? The lack of trust is more than likely mostly in ourselves. Birds of a feather. Can’t have one without the other. Both will be in one beautiful package when the time is right. Another thing women worry about and talk a lot about is the pressure to be married or become a mother by a certain age (not disregarding biology just looking from and angle) There is no correct or possible way to pre organise these life events. Thankfully as the earth circles the sun these dark age conditions on women progressively weaken. As I said at the beginning step away from the age old habits of comparison. There is no perfect way or order for things to play out or unfold in life........But more importantly the way things unfold and play out is perfect. So the thing about wanting to love again is that it shows faith. Faith in life and love. That is precious. Fear is not always an enemy. Yes fear can hold us back but it can also have good intentions. Such as protection. Like a coat of armour. It's the confusion that is probably the worst. It reveals the lack of self trust and the missing self belief. If I was to try to show my battle in life with confusion as something visual, my confusion for years looked like a great white shark. Now it’s a kinda big goldfish. Come to think about it, it’s the only goldfish I’ve not killed. The irony. Ok, we grew up in a world where we are conditioned in so many ways. To be like this and behave like that and the vast majority of it all is so far from fulfilling our souls desires is it any wonder we lose our way. Then throw a missile like a broken heart into the equation and BOOM it's an explosion of confusion. Fear, confusion, Ego, call it what you want, what it also is, is a lesson. Every single thing in life is a lesson. So if we begin to take notice of these feelings everything changes. As we realise our triggers, good and bad and get deep into the truth behind them, 'confusion' and 'fear' slowly slip away. Along with the conditions of society and the limiting beliefs we gathered through life. We can then understand ourselves. It's like a new relationship. Full of acceptance and most importantly love. Just as each event in life is a lesson each person we meet is too. Every awkward date or questionable dating decision teaches us about ourselves. Every break up and make up. Every broken heart. The lessons we learn aren't always pretty either, looking into the parts we don't like in ourselves is often scary and dark. I met my beautiful partner almost a year and a half ago. We both turned 40 last August. I stepped into the next chapter of my life and little did I know but I was about to take a monumental leap into a journey of healing and self discovery. I met him knowing I was worthy, knowing a lot about myself and knowing self love. Feeling it, like property feeling it was just around the corner. Instead of meeting him AFTER I felt FELT self love and belief for the first time he was by my side supporting and encouraging me. For years I knew these things. I was totally ready when I met Craig. Ready to at last get as good as i give! Behave yourselves, I'm still talking about love!! He revealed to me my 'fear' of meeting one of the good ones. Would I even remember how to speak the language of gentleman! I was 'confused' as to what i THOUGHT of him, Then feelings took over our story. It felt right. It felt easy. No 'fear' or 'confusion'. Dating hat hung up and happy to have met a heart as giving as mine. Whichever piece of the puzzle you're holding just now, make sure you are having fun. My words are from my heart and not true to everyone's path but I'll bet all our maps look pretty similar. All as it is, and all as it should be. Lots of Love, Bev x

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