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  • Writer's pictureBev Martin

Dance with my Father again.

One of the worst experiences of my life was losing my Dad very suddenly when I was ten years old. I was only a young child. Thirty years later my inner child still hurts and I’m still working on healing from this trauma........

I love music, all sorts and I’m partial to some serious cheese. One of the things I really love about music is how it can be so nostalgic, can make you feel like you're a teenager again, can make you smile so much inside that you end up grinning like a Cheshire cat. Music and lyrics can also touch your heart and soul like nothing else on this earth. One song that gets me everytime is Luther Vandross Dance with my Father again. Every time I hear it I can feel the hairs on my arms stand up and tears welling in my eyes. I love it. I love listening to his voice I love the words and I even love the emotion it gives me. But just so you know I'm not always singing along to gut wrenching tunes I also do a mean Tupac Changes!!!

I'd absolutely love to dance with my father. I'd love to hug him and feel him hug me. I'd love to speak to him, and although I do chat to him sometimes I decided to write to him and this is one of the letters I penned to my Father.... Dear Dad, It was November 1990 when you passed away. Wow, thirty years. Thirty years of missing you. I hope you always knew how much I loved you. I still do love you. So so much. I dream of you. Usually at Grandads house or Kingston. I always see you in the same way, same clothes, same look on your face. Maybe this is due to photos in my home and Mum's house, but don't think that means I only remember you by a photo, I have not forgotten you. I never could. I remember how we would link pinky fingers to cross the road. And I can remember your laugh. There's lots of little things you have left me with fond memories of. I still have the doll you bought me in Sligo. Mum said I had you wrapped around my little finger. I was the only girl after all. I'm a mother now to a little boy. He's amazing. You would have loved him. He would have loved you too. I have photos of you and grandad in my home and he asks about you. He wishes he could have met you. Life after you has not been easy. I spent ten years after you passed in a state of shock, confusion and anger. I was a horrible teenager and I put mum through hell. I'm sorry. There is something else I want to say sorry for. One day you popped your head around my bedroom door. I had this 'cool' 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on my bedroom door. As you put your head into my bedroom I said to you 'can you not read the sign' probably rolled my eyes and went back to whatever I was doing. You maybe wouldn't even remember it and I know it isn't really a big deal but I've always wanted to say sorry. I’ve always liked to think you watch over me in some way. Now I don’t just believe but I know when you passed away you really just dropped the body and your beautiful spirit lives on. I did often wonder if you watched how my life has played out over the years. The good the bad and the ugly. I actually cringe when I think about if you've watched over me and seen it ALL!!!! Honestly Dad, I will always think of you every day. I feel deep gratitude for you being my father even if my time with you was short. At 40 years of age now myself I realise how short your life really was. For giving me this life I thank you. It took me years and years to truly recognise the anger I felt at you for leaving me. I’ve been working on healing and letting it go. If feels good to release the pain and to be left with only the love I’ve always had for you. Losing you was the worst night of my life. There have been so many things I have wanted to share with you. So until we meet again I would just like you to know, If you were to suddenly appear in front of Me right now I would simply say, 'I love you Dad, and I hope you are proud of me'. I would hug you tightly and if we had the time I would definitely ask you to dance. Lots of Love, Bev.

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